May 9, 2020
Where this podcast all began!
This episode was recorded and released in May 2020 with my ex-husband and father of my two oldest biological children.
Originally, named Marriage Is Hard - I was focused on "rocking out the hardest relationship we get to choose."
Looking back, I see that the decision to have Justin on as my first guest was guided heavily by a loyal Protective Part named Amelia Bedelia. She was very concerned with others liking us and whether "it was okay" to do certain things. More than any other Part she was the most traumatized by the I Will Destroy energy running in my system, because she had witnessed time and time again - being left, abandoned, mocked, or humiliated in the aftermath of this energy discharged.
Amelia Bedelia's "see we are good" agenda caused so much secondary adult trauma in my life, even though her intentions were so good. The proving, the convincing, the shrinking in the face of my power led to so many collaborations and agreements that took, used, violated, or disrespected my True Self Gifts. I hold all of that history and truth with so much compassion.
Amelia Bedelia ended up taking her own life one night while I slept so that I could continue on in the Unburdening Sequence. We did not have a guide to walk us through what needed to happen in my internal world for her to unburden, and once she understood how her burden was blocking access to my Self Energy and stalling the entire recovery process, and we didn't know what to do about that, she sacrificed herself for my healing. From that day forward, her Protective Part spirit lives on within me. Amelia Bedelia's loyal service fuels my mission to teach humans with CPTSD how to lead themselves through Parts Work for CPTSD Recovery. Under my watch, I want no system to face what we faced without guidance or instruction.
The version of me that recorded this episode had some level of awareness of the trauma she was swimming in, but did not yet know what CPTSD was or Internal Family Systems was and was running survival coding nearly 100%.
I have archived all but three episodes from the first season of the podcast, because they do not align with our focus on CPTSD Recovery. I did keep this episode as a "historical anchor" of sorts.
This is where I began my journey.
Compare my voice, my words, my energy, my perspectives to the most recent episode released here, and you have your evidence.
CPTSD Recovery - indeed permanent healing - is entirely possible.
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